What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 23:42
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So whats the point in blame.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I think the readers, may guess!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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One cannot live in the past .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She loved him until the end.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was very sick at this time too.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
All the time i was locked up.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I will be 64.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was 9 years of age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Would this be the day?
But it wasn’t much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I said to her
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It was going to be , some day.
I was scared of men, in general
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When she asked me how she looked .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She wouldn,t have been !
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was seconnd youngest,
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Comes on , in middle age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I waited trembling.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.